The Ten Most Adrenalizing Green Cards, According to Gatherer – Part Two

After publishing Part One of the Ten Most Adrenalizing Green Cards, I picked up a number of referrals from other websites.  Specifically, from bots in charge of articles with names like “Green Card News 2014 Advices”, “Green Card India 2014” and “2014 Green Card Obama” now point to my article.  After all, why bother talking about normal Permanent Residency Cards, when you can talk about some of the most adrenalizing Green Cards of all time?

Of course, in Genosha, ‘Permanent Residency’ really does mean ‘Permanent Residency’.

So welcome, people who stumbled here from the website ‘Law 2014’.  I hope you’ve whispered the occasional sardonic ‘Thanks Obama’ to this list of awesome Green Cards.  And if you thought the last five cards were impressive, wait until you get a load of:

Number Five – Eureka

Hahahahahahaha!

Oh man, this card gets me every time.  It’s like the art director read what the card did, immediately recognized how stupidly broken it was and shot an e-mail out to Kaja Foglio with implicit instructions to “be as over the top silly as possible.  If we’re going to print cards like this, then I want everyone who looks at it to have their faith in the game’s integrity shattered.  Oh, and if you want to confound a few trivia buffs by attributing ‘Eureka’ to Einstein instead of Archimedes, I’m all for it.”

For those of you unwilling to read Eureka’s flyspeck, here’s the Oracle Text:

“Starting with you, each player may put a permanent card from his or her hand onto the battlefield. Repeat this process until no one puts a card onto the battlefield.”

In theory, it sounds fair.  About as fair as the United States initiating nuclear warfare with Canada.  Or to put it another way, if you’re packing all the bombs, why in DEFCOM ONE would you care what your opponent is dropping?  What are the Canadians going to do in retaliation?  Guzzle all their delicious maple syrup before we can claim it for our own?

Best Comment by Tanaka348: “I like how happy the wizard looks.  He’s just like, :D”

~

Number Four – Concordant Crossroads

I gotta admit, I have a hard time accepting how this card survives this far up the list.  I’m not saying it’s not good, or spectacular even.  It’s just, well… in Mirrodin they color shifted this card into red…

…and few players seemed to notice.  Mass Hysteria doesn’t break the four star mark in Gatherer, and you can even put two on the battlefield without blowing one up (World Enchantment rule.  It was a whole thing.)  It seems crazy that a simple color pie swap can rocket a card from above average to the top ten list of anything.  But, yes, Concordant Crossroads is better than Mass Hysteria.  That’s because:

1). Green rarely gains haste, and when it does, it isn’t on this level.  Every time Wizards prints yet another Fervor variant, it eats into the value of all the other Red Fervors.  It does little to the value of Crossroads, though, since they can’t be directly compared.

2.) Haste is the most common evergreen keyword ability printed on Modern red creatures.  Giving all red creatures haste is like offering free boob jobs to all Kardashians.  If any of them take you up on the offer, you’ll just end up with a bunch of men with breasts.

3.) Haste is more valuable on Green creatures than any other creatures.  That’s a debatable claim, I understand.  But when your best creatures consist of overcosted fatties, you could use some leverage when turning those cards sideways.  As an aside, if the only reason why you want Haste in your deck is because you want to put your massive beefcakes into play tapped, then don’t cast Crossroads on round one.  Wait until your Fatty Patties are good and ready, then cast it.  This way, you stop your opponent from rushing you in the early game, negating much of the card’s drawback.  Red, king of the creature rush, can rarely be so patient.

4.) Have you seen what Crossroads does to Llanowar Elves?  Remember Priest of Titania?  With a Crossroads, two Llanowar Elves, Two Priest of Titanias and a Vitalize, you can cast Emrakul, the Aeons Torn on round two.  Meanwhile, Mono-Red’s best round two play with Mass Hysteria seems to be “Swing with Young Pyromancer.”  It’s nice, and you’ll get value out of all those hasty elementals.  But it sure ain’t no Eldrazi shutdown.

Best Comment by Scrumbling1: “It’s not terrible artwork, but I can’t help but think it’s out of place.  I don’t see a clear path.  Trees, low-lying vegetation, and lakes usually don’t make for easy travel.”

~

Number Three – Green Sun’s Zenith

What’s a fair cost for a Sorcery that searches your library for any Green Creature and put it in your hand?  I ask, because I don’t know.  The closest card I can relate this to is the 4.28 star card, Eladamri’s Call.  Alternatively, Worldly Tutor comes with a whopping 4.5 stars.  Both cards push the boundaries of what’s acceptable, and were printed over fourteen years ago.  That’s hardly a good measuring stick to base modern card power on.

Summoner’s Pact and Jarad’s Orders seem to infer that this effect costs approximately , or if we’re pushing it.  Or maybe I’m overselling it.  I’m not sure.  I do know, however, that is out of the question.  And when you consider the fact that most good players, if given a tutor that cost one mana, would probably search for a creature they could cast right now as opposed to waiting an extra turn to play something marginally better… we’re marching into the Enchanted Woods and climbing the Magic Faraway Tree to get to the Land of Do-as-you-please.

But Green Sun’s Zenith is much more than a simple tutor.  It washes colored mana into colorless mana, letting you cheat into play creatures that require dedication to green…

…or let you ignore color requirements altogether…

…or let you slip creatures on the battlefield featuring cheap converted mana costs due to a technicality.

And for the love of Gaea, have you seen what this card does with a Dryad Arbor?

Why bother packing Nature’s Lore when you can carry four Green Sun’s Zeniths and four Dryad Arbors?  You get the same effect for cheaper, and if you don’t need the mana, you Zenith for something else.

Best Comment by MightySqueeth: “I like to call this card Google because it’s the best search engine around.”

~

Number Two – Fastbond

Dear Mark Poole,

I know Alpha was the first Magic set, and you probably never expected your artwork to grace a card game.  Still, I find it odd that you randomly decided to paint a picture of a wizard’s back.  I mean, this angle might make sense if the wizard gesticulated wildly while we focused on the cataclysmic spell which boiled the sea into a savory ramen noodle elemental.  But, mostly, this looks like it’s a painting of a senile old woman who escaped the nursing home and found her way into a new age store, where, while the shopkeeper was stuck in the bathroom, the addled old woman stripped naked and wrapped herself in every prop and tablecloth she could find, and is now, unsteady and unsupervised, making her way to the sea.

You know what?  That’s awesome.  Forget I said anything.
—John-Michael

I know a few of you saw Exploration and Gaea’s Touch make the list last week and knew this little number must be waiting further down the line.  There’s little one can say about Fastbond except it is certified, Grade A, horseshit.  It might as well say “the comic book collection with variant foil covers you assembled in the early Nineties is now worth tens of thousands of dollars.”  It doesn’t really matter, because no one will let you play with a card this unhinged from reality.

If, however, someone humors you long enough for you to play this card, then I suggest you take advantage of your opponent’s kindness/gullibility and combine Fastbond with Zuran Orb, the previously mentioned Crucible of Worlds and ‘land’ to gain infinite life as early as round one.  Alternatively, you can do the same thing with a Grazing Gladehart and Gruul Turf.  Sure, why not?  It’s not like we live in a world with rules or boundaries any more.  Declare that your box of Cheez-Its is a magical barracks where your Cheez-It soldiers sleep, and, when your opponent least suspects it, declare war and dump the box over their head.

Best Comment, For Lack Of A Better One, Goes To MasterOfEtherium: “That’s A Wizard Of A Coast LOL”

Secret Best Comment for card number five, Eureka, goes to TalcumPowder0046:

“Is that the same guy in the art as Fastbond?

It would figure.”

~

Number One – Terastodon

But if you really want to add a lot of mana to your mana pool, you could… wait a second.  This… this isn’t a fast mana card?  Or a card that tutors for a creature and/or puts it into play?  It’s not even an over-effecient one drop that also provides card advantage?  The number one Green card is cross between a titanic elephant and an H.R. Giger fever dream?

Well, alright then!

Terastodon is a 9/9 for eight mana that casts three spells when it hits.  Let that sink in for a moment.  When you cast Terastodon, you not only get a 9/9 creature for eight, but a bonus nine mana worth of spells fire off.  And while Terastodon doesn’t technically net you card advantage, the virtual four-for-one is worth trumpeting about.

I know many new players may not think that’s that impressive.  But I started playing in Ice Age.  Back then, Scaled Wurm was the only mono-green creature, ever, to cost eight mana.  When you dropped a Scaled Wurm, the entire table erupted into a panicked bargaining session.

How am I supposed to stop that thing? I don’t even have a six-power creature in my deck!

So yes, I’m counting the 9/9 monster for eight mana as a spell all by its ownsome, for the purposes of card advantage.  It’s no four-star card, but it’s a solid creature in its own right.

But of all the spells Terastodon could mix in the batter, it chucks in three pseudo-copies of Beast Within?  The 30th highest rated green card on Gatherer?

Okay, maybe not Beast Within.  Terastodon doesn’t hit creatures, after all, and that’s a good part of the reason why many many happy Green Mages and many frustrated Blue Mages gave Beast Within a whopping 4.55 stars.  But for everything else, there’s Dumbo Within.  Are you bouncing a Thragtusk with a Conjurer’s Closet every turn?  Terastodon sits on your closet, letting one final Elephant squeak out between its cheeks.  Are you threatening me with a hard to kill Celestial Colonnade?  Terastodon parties all over your land, leaving behind a pyramid of empty beer cans and a dazed Rogue Elephant in its wake.   Nicol Bolas, Planeswalker‘s sinister plans are about to go ultimate, you say?  From where?  All I see is a Trained Armodon who was foolish enough to convince two elephant friends incite the Anger of the Gods.

And if your opponent isn’t showing you enough bombs worth Elephantizing, you can always pummel your own lands and Rancors and swing with bonus pachyderms next turn.  It’s an easy option to miss, since Terastodon is so good at tackling huge threats.  But if what you need right now is another creature, then don’t destroy the opponent’s extra lands.  Destroy your own, and get ready to swing.  Eighteen power and toughness for eight mana, split among four creatures, is awesome.  And that’s the back-up plan!  Somebody give this elephant a damn peanut!

Best comment by MrBarrelRoll: “I so so SO want to put Splinter Twin on this.  EVERYTHING IS BECOME ELEPHANTS.”

 ~

Return to According to Gatherer.