The Ten Most Revolting Blue Cards, According to Gatherer – Part Two
“Good Magic cards are all alike; every bad Magic card is terrible in its own way.”
from Anna Karenina and the Razor Boomerang
Number Five – Frazzle
Some days, it’s hard to gaze into the soulless void that is Pale Moon and not cry. Yet, somehow, despite a complete lack of relevance, Pale Moon achieved 1.366 stars, while Frazzle, a spell that counters at least four-fifths of everything Magic, achieved a perfect 1.000 stars out of 143 votes.
Everyone knows Pale Moon belongs where the sun don’t shine. But Frazzle masquerades as a legitimate choice. A wholly unexciting choice of a counterspell, that won’t do squat against the occasional mono-blue deck, and costs more than the squandered potential of the card this could have been. The card’s uncommon status makes it hard to argue it as ‘limited filler’. And the flavor is off. Odd restrictions might fit Azorious, but why would the experimental mad scientists of Izzet ever choose to restrict themselves?
But the worst part about this card is that it’s not entirely out of the question. In theory, it’s a splashable hard counterspell in some sort of backwards universe where everyone wears van dyke beards, and nobody plays blue. Thus, it stays in the box and pricks you every time you flip past it. Do yourself a favor. Open your collection, remove all copies of Frazzle you own, tear them into pieces and sprinkle them into the garbage. I can’t promise a happier, more fulfilling life, but… no, scratch that. Your life will be happier and more fulfilling. You’ll also impress your boss and have better sex, why not? Why are you letting Frazzle hold you back?
Best comment by Polychromatic: “I’m eagerly awaiting the follow-ups to this: Razzle-Dazzle and Fribble-Frabble. Both courtesy of Mr. Cosby, of course.
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Number Four – Slipstream Serpent
Islandhome! The core mechanic so awesome it got its own keyword, which lasted all of one block, was printed on two creatures (Kukemesa Serpent and Manta Ray) then didn’t appear on any creatures, ever again. Except when it did.
Wizards loves “…can’t attack unless the defending player controls an Island.” It’s super flavorful, and, since Sea Serpent grandfathered the mechanic in Alpha, it’s central for sneaking one large blue creature into every block and core set. I’m glad there’s an excuse to get the occasional big goofy blue creature into our draft environments, but I’ve got a better plan. Why don’t we design occasional mildly over-costed large creatures in common blue with no drawback? It’s so crazy, it just might work.
But, nope, we need more Serpents. I get the real problem. It’s fun to design these things. Creativity breeds restriction, after all. Look at the Slipstream Serpent for example. Did you realize you can swing with a 2/2 Morpher, then flip up a 6/6 Serpent after you attacked, letting you get in one strong smash with this card? Maybe you did. But I’d guess most people didn’t notice that trick. Otherwise, how did this card get rated worse than every other morph creature, including Skittish Valesk, Thrashing Mudspawn, Spined Basher and Proteus Machine?
This is bad Wizards. You’ve printed so many Serpents, that their mechanics are becoming in-jokes your audience doesn’t understand. Certainly, Serpents are flavorful. Now, find new flavorful mechanics to design around that aren’t drawbacks. Fish swim. Make that a positive. How about making some Serpents that protect a ‘Hidden Treasures of the Depths’ mechanic? Or a sea cave mechanic, where secret Serpents might be hiding? Or, if you insist on keeping the whole “Serpents need Islands” thing, make the Serpents explode when they beach themselves. Anything. You keep giving me big blue creatures. Let me attack with them.
Best comment by Scumbling1: “Won’t somebody please Energy Tap him?”
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Number Three – Defensive Stance
“It isn’t for fighting. It’s for… huh. To tell the truth, I don’t know what’s it’s for.”
—Kara Vrist, Miran Casualty
Note to Kara Vrist: That is not a defensive stance. That is you, falling backwards. The Phyrexians are ravaging your world. The least you could do is ask someone how to fight, as opposed to making it up as you go along.
What is this spell? Are you… are you supposed to cast this on your own creature? That can’t be right. It’s been a couple years since Holy Strength saw print, but I’m pretty sure it was pulled because it was too weak for a modern core set, not because it was the key to white weenie in limited. At the very least, Defensive Stance could put on some pants and grant +1/+1.
So… are you supposed to cast this on your opponent’s creature? I admit that it’s a hilarious answer for a turn one Goblin Lackey. But that’s nothing Sensory Deprivation, a card printed in the next expansion, didn’t give you. And why would you give your opponent’s creature an extra point of toughness?
I guess this card is supposed to be situation dependent. Like when you aren’t sure if you should quit playing Magic or not, you can look at this card and decide. Or when you aren’t sure whether preventing a point of damage from an opponent’s creature is better than being able to withstand an extra point of damage when you block that creature.
Wait. What?
Best comment by Gishra: “If I were Phyrexia and had to see terrible spells like this cast by my opponents I’d want to break them down into their component parts to try to make something more useful too.”
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Number Two – Coma Veil
Are we back on this again? Wizards is playing ‘compare and add up’ for another go-round. This time, we’re taking the previously established bad card Dehydration and adding another permanent type (artifact) for one mana. Et voilà! Useless card!
Why stop there Wizards? Why not add ‘Enchant Land’ and another colorless mana? Or sweep Enchantments and Planeswalkers into the equation for another mana on top of that. But it would really stink if our opponent found a way to untap the permanent, so let’s tack on “If enchanted permanent would untap, instead, it does not” for another colorless. Also, now that our spell is so expensive, it would be horrible if your opponent countered it, so let’s add “Coma Veil cannot be countered” for another colorless. for a souped up Dehydration? Sign me up!
Oh, but artifacts are hard for blue to handle. Gee, really? I never would have guessed that with cards like this kicking around:
Or, you know, something like this, instead:
Best comment by Dolorosa: “You could simply Doom Blade something, but that’s SOOO main stream. “
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Number One – Zephyr Spirit
Circu, Dimir Lobotomist: Well, that was a fun party, do you need any help with your coat?
Carven Caryatid: It was! Can I be honest? When I heard the Dimir guild in Ravnica would be a guild built on secrets, I thought ‘Oh, these posers are going to be a pile of obnoxious pricks.’ But everyone’s been so welcoming and polite! And Svadek is quite the charmer. We have to do this again.
Razia, Boros Archangel: Oh, we will. It looks like we have a really great crew this year. You sure you don’t want to take some baklava home with you? I couldn’t possibly eat it all myself.
Carven Caryatid: Oh, no. It would go right to my shapely wooden hips. I can’t even… is that a car pulling up? Did someone get lost?
Zephyr Spirit: Hey, everybody! Zephyr Spirit in the house! Time to par-tay!
Razia: Um, I’m sorry, you must be confused? Kamigawa block is over. This is the Ravnica: City of Guilds Release Party.
Zephyr Spirit: Yeah, I know, ain’t it cray? I make so much sense in Kamigawa draft, but the Wizard dudes said I’d be a spicy choice for sixty-card-constructed-verse! Wait right here. I got to get a thing from my car…
Circu: She can’t be serious. The Spiritcraft decks weren’t even that good.
Carven Caryatid: Don’t look at me! I’m part of an initiative to stick a few more strong spirits in the game before Kamigawa rotates out. No one warned me that I’d be sharing packs with this braniac. Besides, doesn’t she play for Team Dimir?
Circu: Doing what? If you played her in a group game, maybe everyone would feel bad for you and not attack, if her ability didn’t scream, “Everyone attack me at all times with all the creatures!”
Zephyr Spirit: …Hey, hey, hey, I’m back! And look what I brought! Zimas for everyone!
Razia: Oh, how very… needy of you. But unfortunately, it’s late, and I got work in the morning, so…
Zephyr Spirit: Oh, that’s sweet of you, but you don’t gotta worry bout me. We can keep this party jumping All (hip thrust) Night (hip thrust) Long. Ooh, but I have to use the little girls room. Hold this for me while I run inside…
Razia: Oof. It’s on the left as you go down the hallway.
Zephyr Spirit: Where’s the bathroom?!
Razia: It’s on the left!
Zephyr Spirit: ‘K Thanks! Love you!
Carven Caryatid: Wait a minute. Now I remember. She was here when the party first started. I think I remember her talking to a Transluminent on the front yard about how integral she was to inter-block design, and how she was some sort of lynch pin, before she jumped in her Pacer, yelling something about forgetting the party hats.
Circu: Now that you mention it, I think I saw her too. She was at the front the front door, looking inside the house, but a minotaur was blocking her way in, so she left. Didn’t even ask him to move or anything. Just laughed a little and took off. Cripes. How many times do think she’s been here today, and no one noticed?
Zephyr Spirit: …aaaand, I’m back! Who’s up for a game of Strip Scrabble! Just wait right here. I’ll go get my board from the car…
Carven Caryatid: Well, it was a lovely evening but I got to get going, bye!
Circu: That’s my cue. Ravnica’s gonna be a fun time. See you soon Razia.
Razia: No, wait! Don’t go…
Zephyr Spirit: …Ah forget those lame-o’s Razie, baby. We don’t need them. Now don’t forget: Whenever you score a word, if its worth less points than the previously scored word, you remove a piece of clothes.
Razia: I’m sorry to disappoint you, Zephyr. But I don’t swing that way.
Zephyr Spirit: Don’t flatter yourself. This ho’s only looking for some bros, woot woot! But what’s the point in playing a game if someone doesn’t get neee-kid, am I right? Damn this Zima’s straight!
Best comment by Osuasheuatl: “A spiteful force exists on Ravinica that binds these ghosts to the booster packs but forbids them to see play.”
Return to Part One of The Ten Most Revolting Blue Cards, or continue on to the According to Gatherer main page.
