2013 Update: The 10 Most Reviled Magic Cards, According to Gatherer – Part Two

There’s no such thing as bad Magic cards, only bad Magic players.  Except for these ten.  They’re miserable.  I don’t know who you pissed off to get here, but somehow you stumbled onto The 2013 Update to the 10 Most Reviled Magic Cards, According to Gatherer and voted by you, the general public.

In part one of our update to the now classic original article, seven cards grabbed their boots by the strap and pulled themselves out from eternal turpitude, to land in just plain turp.  We’ve also watched, in abject terror as two cards stumbled upon the old Dutch colonial Amityville house and knocked on the door.  “Don’t go in the basement!” we screamed, but it was too late.  The door slammed shut behind them, only to reveal these dripping horrors…

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Number Seven:  Takeno’s Cavalry

“Excuse me one moment as I pull up your file.  Your name is…”
“Takeno’s Cavalry.”
“Ah, that’s right.  I have it right here.  Says you’re a 1/1.”
“A 1/1 Human Samurai Archer.  It should say that… right here… next to creature.  Also, I should point out that, being a Samurai, I have the gift of Bushido.  I am a virtuous warrior of the way”
“You get +1/+1 when blocking or blocked.”
“Hmm?”
“It says you have Bushido 1.”
“The way of Bushido is a lifelong journey.”
“I’m sure.   You also have a bow?”
“Ah, yes.  My ancient daikyu, which has been handed down to me from my revered ancestors.  It is adept at hunting down and destroying errant spirits which have yet to pass to the other realm.”
“Hm.  That’s a bit narrow, but maybe…”
“As long as those spirits have one toughness.”
“Excuse me?”
“The bow.  It deals one damage.  And only to attacking spirits.  I can’t do anything about spirits that are standing around.  They have to be doing something… namely, attacking.  Oh, and I can’t shoot arrows at spirits if I attacked an opposing planeswalker the turn before.”
“But you’re riding a horse!”
“I don’t make the rules.”
“Okay, listen.  You’ve got to help me out here, because I’m confused.  You see, I already have Devoted Retainer in my deck, and he’s a good guy.  He’s fine.  And  you have every one of his abilities, plus you come with that bow, which, while incredibly narrow, could come up in a game some day.  Who knows?  But you were printed, what, one set after Devoted Retainer?  It doesn’t make any sense.  Why should I continue to pay one white mana to Devoted Retainer, when I could pay one white mana for you?”
“Oh, I don’t work for any less than four mana.”
“You…”
“Three colorless and a white.  For your three extra colorless mana, you become fully protected from an army of attacking undead spirits.  Assuming, of course, that that army attacks one spirit at a time.  And that each spirit has one toughness.  I’m not a Legendary Kithkin, after all.”
“Right.  This interview is over.”

Best Comment by TPmanW:  “The art is nice. That’s something to cheer about, right? Right?!”

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Number Six:  Aven Trooper

I love the artwork on this card.  It looks like something Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China would plaster on his truck’s trailer.  I will never get wasted at a New Year’s party again.  If I do, I fully expect to wake up with this Hawkman wannabe tattooed across the breadth of my chest.

I have no idea what strange thoughts were going through Wizard’s giant brain in a jar when it designed Takeno’s Cavalry.  I know exactly where Aven Trooper came from, however.  Aven Trooper was an intentional attempt to make a terrible card on Wizard’s part.  Look how well they succeeded!  They almost designed the worst card in Magic history in the process!

You see, Aven Trooper comes from the set Torment, which held a unique mission.  Torment was a set designed to tip the scales of the Odyssey block into black.  This wasn’t a group of sneaky developers forcing an archetype.  Black was the best color in Torment, and Wizards wanted you to know that.  The tagline for Torment was “: Deal With It.”

Wizards made Black special in a number of ways.  More black cards were represented in all rarities.  Many black cards were open-ended.  A lot of black cards encouraged you to play more black cards.  Other colors paid tribute to black, and received bonuses if you played Swamps, or became black when you had seven cards in your graveyard.  The long-lost black staple Sengir Vampire was reprinted (I know it sounds silly now, but that was a big thing back then).  All this, and a number of black cards were printed above the curve.  Cards like Mutilate, Nantuko Shade and Mind Sludge are still some of the best black cards ever printed.

To help reinforce this theme, Black’s two enemy colors, White and Green, were given the reverse treatment.  There were fewer cards of those colors, they required no commitment and all the good cards were very narrow (or required Black).  Wizards could have stopped there, with a thorough beating of Green and White and a propped up Black.  But, no.  Wizards took one final step and designed some of the worst white and green cards in the game.  White and Green got their payback in Judgement, which reversed everything that happened in Torment.  But not before Aven Trooper took flight and poo-pooed on White players everywhere.

Best Comment by bfellow:  “Why is rated so low? With 19 cards to discard, 38 colorless and  mana you should win with 1 single swing!”

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Number Five:  Mindless Null

How often do you get a chance to explain, precisely, why something became horrible?  We understand why Aven Trooper was made bad.  With Mindless Null, though, we know the exact moment it stopped being something you might draft to something you want to hide under the floorboards and never talk about again.  That’s the day Henry Stern entered cards into the Zendikar database and typed “” into Null’s casting cost field instead of its printed cost of “”.

Mindless Null’s casting cost was a mistake, plain, simple and easy to spot.  When the developers saw the Null’s new cost, though, they thought it was funny, and insisted on keeping it.  A Spineless Thug that might occasionally block is unexciting and uninteresting.  But a Zombie that’s strictly worse than the base-line low Scathe Zombies?  In one of the fastest limited blocks in Magic history?  Who could forget that?

The developers multiverse notes were made public.  So, why don’t we read them?  Most of this conversation deals with whether they wanted to dump the “needs a vampire to block” rider.

HS 11/18 this loses its “flavor” text because we need a common vanilla
DB 11/20/08: FYI, M10 has 3/2 vanilla zombie for 2B.
sw 11/21: Not to mention I really dislike having to lose the text on this guy. There are so many guys right now that you would “think” about playing, and I feel not enough cards that are definite no’s.
KEN 11/21/2008: I’ll comment again that after seeing tons of upside staples (upside Canopy Spider, upside Shock, etc) it would be nice to fall on the other side of the spectrum once.
MJG 12/2/2008: I miss the flavorful “can’t block” text as well.
AF 1/4: “Flav-R-Text” is back. We gained a vanilla artifact to make up the difference.
Del 2/6: The drawback saves it from blocking Prized Unicorn.

I’m sure a number of players cringed when they read Steve Warner’s (sw) comment, but I understand where he’s coming from. Magic is a complicated game. Every time we draft a set, there are a very large number of variables to consider. On occasion, it’s nice for some variables to be ignorable. It’s nice to have some cards we know we’d never play.

Could Magic be a game of complex interaction, where every decision is born on the back of multiple variables? Well, first of all, it is. This is a really confusing game. Have you seen the comprehensive rulebook? There isn’t another popular non-sports game with a rulebook of that size. What miracle allows a game to be as confusing as Magic, yet still retain so many eager players? That would be the large community who both play the game and understand the rules, and guide other people who don’t yet cleanly grasp the rules. The game of Magic balances on the back of one of the world’s best play networks. Most people play Magic because it’s both challenging and fun. If you increase the game’s complexity, you upset that balance, and many players would find the game more challenging than fun. Those players would leave the network, taking with them other players who were in the network because of the social aspect of the network itself. Magic would feature less support, which would mean fewer tournaments, less playtesting and less product. The goal to make Magic more complex would backfire as the metagame diminished, making Magic less complex in the process.

Seen from this light, Mindless Null is a noble card. It sacrifices its chance to be a card we stress over, and becomes a chance to laugh. There’s a fine line between Takeno’s Cavalry and Mindless Null. Maybe there’s no line at all. I don’t know if I could explain why I’m okay with Null in a way that I’m not okay with Aven Trooper. Maybe it’s because Mindless Null’s artwork doesn’t try to make him look cool. He looks like a pet that needs protection. Maybe it’s because I knew he was supposed to be bad before I was told what he did, so I never tried to wrap my mind around the card in frustration. There are some very subtle distinctions between what makes this card entertaining, and what makes other cards on this list frustrating. Subtle and important.

Best Comment by ChampionofSquee: “I complained that scathe zombies was a vanilla… this isn’t what i had in mind.”

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Number Five: Numai Outcast

Kids these days, with their fashion statements. Am I right fellas? “Oh, Daddy! Please, get me that gigantic tiara made of bone! I don’t care if it will ruin my back forever. It contrasts so well with the dress I tore up to fit in with the cool kids!”

What is it with the 1/1 creatures for four mana hanging out on this list? Numai Outcast is another Samurai of questionable repute. When you break her down, though, she’s a better card than Takeno’s Cavalry. She’s followed the path of Bushido into its second stage, and can pretend to be a Hill Giant when she blocks. Sure, she can’t deal 1 damage to an attacking spirit, but I’m pretty sure regeneration is more relevant. But, ow! Really? Five life? To regenerate a 1/1?

The lowest rated cards on Gatherer are dictated by how they make you feel, as opposed to how unplayable they are, and this card drives that point home. Numai Outcast is, in theory, playable in draft (or maybe a league with a limited card pool.) Untapped, Outcast can dismantle a Juggernaut, and will stay on the battlefield for the chunk of life that Juggernaut would have smacked out of you anyway. That’s not good by any stretch of the imagination.  But that means this card is playable in a way that Goblin Firebug and Mindless Null never will be. It doesn’t matter, however. Numai Outcast sits in the four spot because she makes you feel terrible. She’s the emo girl in your school who’s as unpopular as you, but is still too full of herself to be your friend. Numai Outcast isn’t useless, but her personality is beyond reproach.

Best Comment by Bandswithothers: “I love the flavor of this card. It is such a detriment to use that it dishonors its summoner and is therefore outcast from the MTG society.”

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Number Three: Bog Hoodlums

Originally reigning at Number Five on The 10 Most Reviled Magic Cards According to Gatherer, Bog Hoodlums sunk two spots lower in a year’s time. I can’t say I blame you guys. Looking at this card makes me want to call in sick at work, wrap a snuggie around me, glaze at the T.V. and swallow a gallon of peppermint stick ice cream.

I already talked about this card in the original post, and I’m not exactly inspired to say a lot more. If you really need to read up on this card, skip to part two, where Bog Hoodlums graces the top of that list.

I will point out one more complaint about the Hoodlums, while we’re here: Bog Hoodlum’s Clash ability gives your opponent a chance to fiddle with the top card of their library. Sure, you do it too, but when your clash spell costs six to cast, you probably won’t utilize the top card of your library until a full round passed. Your opponent, however, needs only wait until his turn begins before taking advantage of the clash. You don’t want your opponent rifling through their deck for ‘answers’ when you’re playing cards as bad as Bog Hoodlums.

Number Two: Viashino Skeleton

Hold it. This card was the number one most reviled card in the original article. That must mean we have a new champion! Everyone, put your hands together for the worst Magic: the Gathering card of 2013…

Number One: Razor Boomerang

There it is, the worst card of 2013.
There it is, it makes me squeal.
The nightmare of a million players, who we all should pity,
All came true, thanks to those guys in Renton City.
Oh this card’s turned out to be
the poster-child of banality!

There it is, the worst card of 2013.
There it is, there’ll be no appeal.
You can equip to Viashino Skeleton, tap, return it, then discard.
For an investment of five mana, it increases your storm.
On a pile of useless chaff, it rises above the norm:
Worst card of 2013!

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