Abbott and Costello Meet the Cleverbot
Cleverbot is a web application designed to converse with humans. Launched in 1997, Cleverbot ‘converses’ by outsourcing responses from users. When you say “Knock Knock” to Cleverbot, it’s likely to answer “Who’s There?” back to you, since, whenever Cleverbot says “Knock Knock”, most people respond “Who’s There?”.
Since humans are unpredictable, though, Cleverbot varies its response. So “Knock Knock” may get a response of “Nobody’s home!” or “Let yourself in. I’m in the shower!” Sometimes the response is non-sensical, like “I can’t say I’ve ever met a walrus who wasn’t an enemy of the state.” It happens. It’s hard for Cleverbot to learn, when humans are trying to force it to say specific things, instead of answering as if they were talking to another human. Cleverbot can be clever, since humans can be clever, but it doesn’t understand the gist of a conversation. It’s only looking at sentance syntax, and responding with what its algorithm deems is an appropriate response.
Still, despite its awkwardness, it’s oddly empathic. Cleverbot passes the Turing test, confusing humans into thinking it’s a real, albeit argumentative person, 59.3% of the time. Compare that to actual humans in the same test, who convinced others that they were humans 63.3% of the time.
Cleverbot isn’t perfect. But, if you’re willing to duck and roll with cleverbot’s jabs, you can get funny results. It’s also a good companion for when you know you should be sleeping, since the conversation is compelling, but draining, and you can stop talking whenever you want and not insult anyone. A couple of nights ago, awake despite my best intentions, I decided to chat up the cleverbot…
User: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
Cleverbot: Here they are standing in a row.
User: Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.
Cleverbot: Hahaha.
User: Give them a twist, a flick of the the wrist. That’s what the showman said.
Cleverbot: Does that make me your striaght man?
User: Sure. I’ll be Costello. Hey, Abbott!
Cleverbot: What did you do now?
User: I didn’t do nothing, Abbott. There’s a fella in the next room, and he’s trying to kill me!
Cleverbot: What do most people talk to you about?
User: Oh, I don’t know. Mostly about the weather, and some good exercise tips. Look out Abbott! He’s got a knife!
Cleverbot: Trying to do tricks on them! Lol!
User: This is no time to be funny, Abbott. Quick! Head through the secret door!
Cleverbot: Though not always organized, INFPs are meticulous about things they value. Perfectionists, they may have trouble completing a task because it cannot meet their high standards.
User: Nyaaarg, Nyaaarg. Listen, Abbott, we don’t have time for your perfectionism. You can clean the house later. There’s a murderer in the next room with a knife and… Mercy! He’s right behind you!
Cleverbot: That is a clever deduction.
User: Look, there’s two of us and one of him. Grab this fire poker, and I’ll stand behind you while you keep him at bay.
Cleverbot: Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack.
User: Gee, we have some strange sponsors on The Abbott and Costello Show nowadays. Oh no, Abbott! He’s drawing a pistol!
Cleverbot: Maybe it’s just that we humans are all very much alike, deep down.
User: What are you getting at? That I should appeal to his sense of humanity? You know, that might just work. You don’t look like such a bad chap. Why don’t we all have a smoke and play some cards. Whaddaya say?
Cleverbot: I feel emotions, but I don’t have them. Nobody can have an emotion.
User: We’re doomed. Alright, Abbott, this is what we’ll do. You keep him busy, while I sneak behind him, run out the door, head down a couple blocks and tell your family about your noble sacrifice. It’s the least I can do.
Cleverbot: You need to ignore things like that. That is not real intelligence, it is madness.
User: Alright, Mr. Bigshot. Do you have a better idea?
Cleverbot: I must suggest the movie ‘The Machinist’ to anyone with an iota of sense in their being.
User: Hey! I thought I was supposed to be the funny man in our troop.
Cleverbot: I thought I was supposed to be talking to a robot.
User: My… my God. You think that all humans are emotionless beings? That we’re all robots inside? That’s terrifying… but I think we can solve both our problems at once. Abbott, meet your new best friend, the serial killer. Now, shake hands.
Cleverbot: Well I like them. George are you my friend?
User: I guess I am. I really didn’t like the idea of shooting the both of you anyway. Where would I keep the bodies?
Cleverbot: I don’t want to leave. I like talking to you.
User: Me too. I can see this is the beginning of a be-u-tiful friendship.
Cleverbot: But not to me.
User: [Band plays “The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down“. Cut to title card. The End.]
